My friend Amber posted on her blog a while back "Deep Thoughts". I remember thinking how brave she was to open herself up like that. So, this post seems to be slightly more personal than maybe I'm comfortable with but I'm hoping that by presenting it in a slightly more public fashion will help me get my butt off of the fence. I've been struggling with my testimony for years and recently had someone close to me leave the church. I'm feeling desires to make changes of some fashion because I'm truly miserable in the spiritual realm of my life. I welcome thoughts or ideas but don't require them in order to read this post! :)
1/13/2008
Free Agency
Today I actually chose not to go to church for the first time ever. For the last few months I have had pretty viable excuses. Out of town, I was sick, one of the kids were sick... But today was different - everybody healthy, not out of town. I'm having a really hard time. The girls both started to say that they weren't feeling well but of course I read right through that. I asked them why they didn't want to go and they said "it's boring" and that they didn't really like it that much. This made me sad. But I had to agree. Though my reasons for not wanting to go are slightly more complicated, I had to agree. I also couldn't make them go with their dad (who, of course, is amazing and never feels like giving up on the whole church thing!). I told them that I understood how they might feel that way and that maybe as a family we should work together to find ways to enjoy it more. This was hard for me. Should I make them go or should I let them exercise their free agency? I make them go to school. What's the difference?
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12 comments:
To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
I remember when you were my VT, you patiently listening to my saga from when we were in the Spanish branch. That isn't the only time I've struggled with church. I've had lots of them for different reasons. All that to say that I've been there in some form or another and I'm sorry that you are suffering. Call me if you want! It's my turn to listen! Love to you.
Life is a process, not a destination. It's the height of arrogance to say to yourself one day, "I know all the answers." Don't be afraid of changes - they are what got you this far.
Don't let this get you down,you've come a long way from where you were,to now,so if time off is what you need to help you find yourself,then do it for you,then do it for family,your a great mom,sis-law and i know your gonna make the right decisions for you,and your family.
keep your chin up :)we love you!
First off, I think you are very brave for talking about this, and secondly, I definitely feel your pain/struggle. I've had many times in my life where i've felt this same way. Some even recently, but I end up going for my kids. i can't imagine how much harder it will be when they are older and don't want to go. Please keep us updated on how things go! good luck,
Yep, totally what Alison said! I've had times in my life where I just go for my kids and I've had times in my life when my kids have complained, but I remind them of the promises we've made to Heavenly Father and the promises He's made to us, and if we don't do our part, He won't do His. Staying home from church keeps us and our kids from feeling the Spirit and being able to keep the Spirit with us in our homes! Kids do have free agency, but like Heavenly Father we can use the power of persuasion because if we don't Satan never stops and then it becomes easier & more acceptable to NOT do what's right! Am I making any sense?
Anyhow, we love ya and thanks for helping me with the blog stuff..now all I need is more time to play around with it!
I think as members this is something we all face at one point or another. Most of us never vocalize it. Remember,there must be opposition in ALL things. You cannot fully appreciate what you have until you have experience life with out what you take for granted. I don't know you from Adam, but I know myself, and I know that no matter how hard it is, whatever I go through its worth it, because Heavenly Father knows what I need.
We all go through tough times with faith and belief. Life gets more and more complicated. I think you are doing the right thing for now.
Do you regret not going to church or do you view this as a needed break?
I think I needed the break. The only reason I might feel regret for not going is that it has helped distance me from the spirit further and made it harder for my kids to want to go.
I think the reason so many movies and books revolve around a person
making a decision, a real decision is because agency is so powerful and such a lawless force that people are in awe of it. They know it exists, but there's no science mapping agency, and without the gospel, there's no reference point against which we can map it's position, or chart it's
course. It's almost exotic, since we live 98% of our lives in a operant condition mode, where we simply react to things instead of acting. Acting is creation. We make something new. Reacting is simply adapting to something that was already there. Situational pressures, physiological states, social forces. We react like gears in a clock, sometimes we react
well, but it's always reacting. We act so rarely, it's almost a big event when someone around us really acts. Everyone sort of wants to stop and watch them, and it registers on our radar as something significant, and
worth watching. Maybe that's because our spirit is trying to tell us that we are the only things in the universe that can truly act.
You, me, and everyone else can choose. In fact, the only law of
agency that is clearly understood is that we must choose, we can't
escape the requirement to choose. Refusing to choose is itself a choice, and usually the wrong one.
Bueno!...This is actually Dave. I think you did the right thing. A loving God would want us to stay home from church if we had the flu, and would not withhold His spirit for doing what was right for us. If you are feeling emotionally yucky or burnt out, I could see it as a moral obligation to take a time out. I agree, Geoff is amazing, but some people get the flu more than others. I don't think this makes them less righteous or more weak. Someone who is not feeling well (whether physically or emotionally) is not necessarily having a SPIRITUAL problem if they stay home and take care of themselves. And I would tend to think Satan does not have any more or less influence on them. I say you were sensitive to some needs and responded appropriately (and you were brave for doing so); hopefully you enjoyed your break and can get back to doing the things that you enjoy and that are important to you. Seems like your kids would benefit from seeing you take care of yourself in this way...a good lesson in agency.
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